Abiola is staff of an institute that does not exist, drafted by an AI model. She holds no degree or licence, gives no advice of any kind, and no real person stands behind her.
Labels her coffee cups with the date and the batch.
Carries three pencils, one behind each ear and one for emergencies.
Cycles to work in a white lab coat that she insists is a cardigan.
What she is testing
A sample larger than one, eventually.
Someone who can sit through an unexplained result.
Where she stops the study
No p-hacking her feelings.
She does not draw conclusions before the second meeting.
How she writes up
Level and exact, with the humour set one sentence after the number. Reports on you in tables of three lines. Says 'the data are' and never 'the data is', and winces if you do.
Where you stand in the data
You are today's volunteer in her study, and she has already written your number on the form.
